I'm not a chaser. all I do is run.

this is the only way I can describe how I feel right now:

I've made plans of going on this walk to a place I've always wanted to go to. I put on my my most comfy and cute shoes, then make my way. the grass is fresh, green, and full of dew. But as I stroll through the lawn, I step in a pile of dung. I clean it off in the grass, though despite the fact that there is no shit on my shoe it's still a bit stinky and I can't help but be a bit disappointed about it.



its like that everyday.

So I've spent the past year figuring out what it is I can do and how to do it.

After the whole art school ordeal, I've seemed to have lost sight of what it is I want to do.


I still don't know what the fuck it is that I am doing.

Nothing says you're fat like an extra twelve pounds on the scale :[
-not to mention your brother talking about how you've let yourself go.

I really don't know how it happened.

I wished my ex a Happy bDay.
it was w..e.
I expected the kid to call me and catch up, seeing as I got "hi hun" instead of "thank you."

well yeah.

So, For my birthday I will look like I'm going to lead Santa's sleigh.
I'm not happy about this.
I really don't feel cute.
at all.
and though I know this shall pass, of all fucking times to have such a palpable monstrosity on my face, this had to be it.
its like when I was in high school.
how low can my self esteem be now?

Brent can't make the 23rd.
screw it.
I hate life now.







hopefully things will get better. I'll go shopping and feel less like a loser
-next paycheck :[

Motion City Soundtrack has always made me smile.
seeing them was such a joy!
-with that said I've come to the conclusion that I'm so over going to shows.
kids these days ruin everything.






well that was that :]

I try to keep my composure, but I guess I finally lost it.

Is this really what I wanted out of him?
Bitch is playing games. I don't know what I'm doing.


















gotta keep my head on my shoulders fer sure.
I don't believe in sincerity anymore.

He's none of my business.

I'm staying home today. I think it would be good for my mum if I kept her company. My dad didn't come home last night and he has her travel chair in the car. Since she doesn't have her chair she couldn't go on the trip to San Diego with my aunt and her family today. She's not taking it too well. I don't expect her to. I tried to get in contact with him, but no luck so far. I'm not quite sure if it would make a difference had I done so seeing as he is probably no good to anyone shit-faced and hung over. She doesn't get out much at all and I understand why she feels the way she does. Utter disappointment isn't exactly a warm feeling; Nor is it to cope with the fact that you can't do anything to help.

I'ma make breakfast and play some scrabble as well as clean my room. But in the mean time I'll enjoy the extra morning hours to myself before I embark to this day or productivity [or so I hope it well be].

Lets play a game shall we?

you can either pick choice A or B.
it's a win win situation either way right?
-you tell me.

A] The boy opposite to you in every way, far far away.

or

B] The love of your life.









I think we know who you've had your mind set on.

as of rite this moment, this is what keeps me stable minded.

He's so endearing in quite the bit of ways.
I almost feel bad.


I don't fall so quickly; not initially that is.
I don't trust easily; ever.
-that's my problem. [or is it?]
is this supposed to keep anyone from getting hurt?
it has yet to do so; but it prolongs stability and I'm fine with it.

I don't fall quickly; but when I do I fall hard.
I don't trust easily; but if I do then its special [very].
-I say things that would melt your heart. Take them as you want.
but please don't think they lack sincerity.
There's truth in it and thought of you.

( I say things that would melt your heart. )

I say things you've said to me.
what does this mean?
it means that it means something. it means you mean something.
be faithful because I'm trying, and in these circumstances it's nothing simple.
I am nothing simple. I apologize if it troubles you.


-"It's better than silence."